Reader Email #1

Dear Chance,

There is this chick at work that I have been eyeing up since she was trained in. Been working every other weekend with her for bit this summer and will be working with her one last time before I leave for school. Not sure how to approach this one because she seems very respectable (wifeable), which I rarely say, either way I would like to start something with her. This past weekend went very solid, had her laughing and we kept solid convo through out the two 8 hour days.  I found out some info bout her ( her major, she likes to go to the theater, random stories etc.) I have been holding a conversation well. Both contributing as much as the other. It’s pretty casual as far as content.  I guess it’s hard for me to describe.

I got one last shot and I would rather be rejected hard then never know…what do I do Chance??????

This is an example of a long-term wooing situation. I prefer to strike while the iron is hot but at the same time I am a very big advocate of not shitting where you sleep (Banging girls you work with). I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again so I’m going to stop being a hypocrite and continue to dissect your email:

My main concern here is that there is really nothing in your summary of note to me, so to say, it lacks substance. I see talking, but don’t see flirting. I see working together, but don’t see any touching.

You are both contributing 50%? This worries me as well. In an ideal world she would be talking 80% of the time and your reactions/anecdotes would cover the remaining 20%. The reason for this being that the less you say, the less opportunity you have to give her a reason not to hang out with or bang you. Suffice it to say, the less you tell her about yourself, the more she is inclined to simply fill in the blanks about you while talking to her friends. That little hamster brain in her head will only spit out the positive aspects of your interaction while not highlighting the stupid shit you managed to say by accident. This is neither here nor there as that ship has already sailed…But for next time.

I dig your attitude about being rejected before not knowing; but we’re going to avoid this altogether.

I will assume that you work a shift on Saturday and Sunday with her. Do not save it until your last day (Sunday); you need to set it up on Saturday. Outlooks are generally positive on Saturdays and typically there is a lot to look forward to that night, unless you are a hermit crab.

Our goal here is to get your number in her hands, this way we can gauge interest by whether she follows through or not. We are simply keeping it informal as to avoid rejection (this is the workplace remember).

While at work on Saturday talk to her as per usual. This time though, be bold. Say things in a direct manner, tease her, make fun of others, etc. She needs to see you as a fun, sexual guy in order to want to hang out with you. She has enough friends and adding one more to her harem would be an insult to your manhood.

I will give you one task and one task only. This is the ultimate difference between her looking at you like a sex hound or a friend. Simply put: you need to touch her.

There are right ways to do this…and wrong ways to do this.

Do- Find an excuse to move her out of the way when moving in her direction…When this is the case, be carrying something in your left hand, and grab her waist in a motion that essentially is clearing her out of the way. This should be a quick little push. Make it seem like without getting her ass out of the way, you getting through to your destination would have been impossible.

Do not –Touch her while looking her in the eye. It’s just feels weird and calculated.

Do- Find an excuse to whisper something to her. Not creepishly close, but close enough where you lean in to touch your chest to her shoulder area. When you do say something, make sure she laughs and it is sexual. This way she knows your funny but sex is also on your mind. For example…” [Insert name] just bent over to tie her shoe. Did someone forget to tell me that on Saturdays panties are optional? How about shaving that area…is that out the window too? No one ever tells me anything. I quit.”

Later in the shift, drop the bait. The bait should be something along the lines of a social event (house party, bar, wine tasting, group sex, etc.) that is a prerequisite to you leaving in the following weeks. This event needs to be portrayed as a good-bye type ordeal to your friends and this city before you move away for the semester or year (whatever it may be).

Note: This is not a party you will be throwing, but rather a social event in which you are invited to, which more or less requires a date, or at least, they way you interpreted it; it does. Also, if by chance you can’t find a party, you can cancel on her later that night due to the host being a retard and cancelling…Regardless you still have her number and are free to make other plans. This gathering is simply a way to enter your numeric code into her cellular device. Also, as a way to gauge her interest (if she calls or not).

There will be a couple scenarios:

A) Best Case: She calls you later that night, you pick her up, go to said event, have some drinks, go back to your place, and insert P to V in a rockstar like manner. She proceeds to go downstairs and find your bisquick mix and a waffle maker. You remain in bed only to find out 20 minutes later you have some late night breakfast waiting for you.

B) Not exactly worse case, but not best case: She calls you, brings a friend, you get c-blocked, whatever. You still have her number and are free to set up another time, minus the walrus lookin’ wingwoman she brings along (she will never bring along a hotter friend…but if she did, you know who to call).

C) Typical Scenario: You give her your number and set up the date to go to the party; she never calls.

The next day at work you need to be very quiet. Do your job, but keep the energy low. When she asks what’s wrong tell her you didn’t sleep a wink last night. Things got out of hand at said party. When the K9 unit came to interrupt the rave that spontaneously combusted out of nowhere at the wine tasting, you had to pull moves that Pierce Brosnan himself couldn’t conjur up in his wildest dreams. You had to hitch a ride home, but got kidnapped by a couple nymphomaniacs in a white van on its way to bomb an airport. While you didn’t feel like being objectified and sexually harassed you had to slide open the door and tuck and roll into the ditch. Luckily you found a tire iron and walked home with it firmly in hand. People know better than to fuck with you and a tire iron. You had to take a cab to work that morning as you still couldn’t drive from all of the hard drugs that someone slipped into your drink.

You had a good night, she didn’t. Tell her she is free to visit, and when you come into town next, you may think of calling her (if you remember to). Then go about your business as it’s just not in your agenda to be an entertainer on Sunday morning.

Yours truly, -CBRADDDD